Blonde Dyes Her Hair Brown
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, ´If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?´
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, ´Of course.´
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, ´352.´
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, ´You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock.´
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the
others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, ´O.K.&c now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your
true hair color, can I have my dog back?
The Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ´tea´ which was just water, of
course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room
to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, ´Just the cutest thing!´
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, ´Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is
the toilet?´
Man and Wife
A man said to his wife, ´I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.´
The wife responded, ´Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I
would be attracted to you!´
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Contagious
A man walks into the doctor's office to get a check up. As he sits waiting, a woman comes in sneezing.
When the sneezing woman gets called into the doctors office, the man starts sneezing.
A little while later,
the man is still waiting, when a woman comes in itching all over her body. When the itching woman gets
called into the doctors office, the man starts to itch, and continues sneezing.
A little while later,
the man is still waiting, when a woman comes in puking her guts out.
When the puking woman gets called into the doctors office, the man starts puking, and continues sneezing and itching.
The man starts wondering what is wrong with him and asks the nurse if it is normal. The nurse tells him that sometimes
when you are sick, your immune system goes on the fritz and you can catch just about everything you come
in contact with.
By this point the man is a mix of paranoid of the people around him,
miserable from his side effects and very mad that he has to wait for so long.
As he is waiting, a pregnant woman walks into the room...
...
He ran out screaming.
2 Quarters or a Dollar?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Wedding Anniversary
Ron was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "tomorrow
morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6
seconds!!
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked
out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:
"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Golf
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he
sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing,
takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the
most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
NASA
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity,
upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
